World News: Bear in a Californian Pool

Finally, after all this unimportant news about the European economy and Syria, we get some real international news as only we in Aus can have it...

The annual story about a bear in Californian pool.

Just as the druids ushered in the changing of the seasons by the solstice, we in Aus can welcome the start of the northern hemisphere summer, and our winter, when we see the first bear in Californian pool news story of the season...

This is always a hugely anticipated story, and this one was right on schedule - May 30, two days before the start of winter. How many more stories of bears in pools are their going to be this year?!

And of course this story has had all the great one-liners about a "cool bear" and "chilling out", but none better than this gold from news.com.au:

'It appears the hot weather was "un-bearable" for one hairy fella'

Ah yes, its just not winter in Aus unless there's a bear-in-Californian-pool story. So dust off your jacket, gloves and umbrella; forget what daylight looks like; stock up on cold & flu tablets; and plan your weekend away in Queensland - winter has arrived.

Current Affairs and the Big Stories

The brilliance of 6.30pm weeknights.

This is when learning happens. Eyes and minds are opened. Horizons are expanded and potential is realised.   6.30pm weeknights is when growth, integrity and excellence converge.

... This may be true on the lawns of Oxford, but its certainly not true if you're watching tv here in Aus!

And last Monday was no exception. In what can only be described as a night of current affairs greatest hits, Today Tonight and A Current Affair showed that they're the masters of presenting stories that make your brain cells give up and join your liver cells in getting inebriated on whatever alcohol you've consumed. In a night that "Every Australian Must Watch", both programs gave us an extravaganza of the recycled old faithful stories that they do so well.

First up was an example of synchronicity worthy of Olympic Gold. And this was a huge story. For the 200th time, Coles and Woolworths were pitted against each other to see who is cheaper. In an attempt to be first to cover this earth-shattering story, ACA and TT ended up in a dead heat, and presented the exact same story at the exact same time. If you were flicking between channels 7 and 9 you could have been forgiven for thinking that your remote was broken. The supermarket spokesmen fell over each other to claim the cheapest carrots. So smooth was this covert advertising, that it was impossible to tell where the story ended and the ad break started.

Spot the difference

In the next segment, both ACA and TT showed us what they do best - the dig at the opposition, expertly disguised as news.

In another epic round of the battle royal between 7 and 9, their prize-fighters were out to defend honours.  First up we had ACA in an all out attack on 7's The Price Is Right, and how they're conning all of us.

but so right

That's right. CONNING ALL OF US! There was outrage, there was disgruntlement, and there was no bigger comment than this:

"And as you will see, Channel 7 has been caught out playing YOU for a fool!"

So how are we being conned? Well, thanks to ACA, we now know that the prizes in TPIR come from a retail website! A tv program is promoting a retailer! How can they get away with this outrage!?

Next we'll find out that Masterchef is promoting Coles, or that The Block is promoting Mitre 10. Or even that ACA and TT just did a promo for Coles and Woolworths at the same time. Lucky ACA is here to divulge this top secret information before we are fooled even more in this hideous scheme of retailers trying to sell us things.

Another huge issue with TPIR is that there are no longer 4 contestants told to Come On Down, there is now only 1! Whoa. We probably all need a few minutes to take this bombshell in. Deep breaths... There was also a dig at the small size of the studio, and there were disgruntled contestants who didn't win anything, which promoted another amazing play on words....

In a halcyon night for the ACA graphics department, if you thought 'The Price Is Wrong', couldn't be topped, you have been shown!


And over TT on 7, the counter attack was on. In TT's sights was 9's golden child with the golden Voice. In a devious twist, TT turned to the defence of The Voice host, Delta Goodrem.

In joining Delta Squad (?), TT sold themselves as defender of Australian music's sweetheart, who has been the target of a 'terrible and cowardly' campaign of abuse. While those heartless monsters at 9 sacrificed OUR Delta in search of ratings, thank God the white knights at TT have come to her rescue.

But in the assumption that their viewers aren't smart enough to remember anything that happened before the previous weekend, TT failed to mention that only the week before, it was TT themselves who were doing the bullying!

That's right, this week's 'Delta Squad' were last week the ringleaders of the pitch fork baring mob that were screaming in mad fits about how much Delta is getting overpaid. They even had their own quote to remember:

"While the contestants battle it out, the judges are cashing in."

Not only was there outrage about Delta getting paid to do her job, there were also unfounded claims about forbidden and scandalous relationship with Seal. A single girl getting paid AND getting laid - how dare she!

Well I've learnt so much this week. Can't wait for next week's 6.30pm lesson!

The Bikie Wars Project

In one of the most shameless but predictable self promotions of recent tv times, tonight The Project has dished up a 5 minute advertisement for Channels 10's Bikie Wars, masquerading it as a legitimate news story.

The 'news story' was all about the Bikie Gangs in Sydney, and repeatedly mentioned one of the gangs depicted in the upcoming show - there was even and interview with their bossman. Add to this the numerous mentions of street shootouts, turf wars and gang members switching clubs, and we were basically left with a synopsis of the plot of Bikie Wars. The article was even called Bikie Wars!

The next news story was about a neurotic Doctor who can't sort out her love life.

In a desperate stretch to make the promotion seem newsworthy and relevant, the thinly veiled story mentioned something about a law that didn't get passed last year that may have affected the Bikie Gangs. That being all their researcher could come up with, the rest of the story resembled a school project on Bikie Gangs, with gems of information such as "there are x number of Motorcycle Clubs in Australia, and a total of x number of members". They even had graphics to go with these insightful stats!

This self promo had all the subtlety of an ex Big Brother contestant trying to convince bouncers to let him into a nightclub at 3am. You could even see the panelists cringing while they betrayed their high-brow stances to pretend that this was news. You could just imagine Channel 10's Head of Programming typing up the teleprompters. In what I'd like to think was a protest against this cheap promo, Carrie even refused to finish the intro to the story. Career limiting move from Mother Bickmore!

The attempt at the 'bullshit cough' didn't go unnoticed by network management.

If tonight was any indication, I cannot wait to see The Project panelists when they are forced to promote some of the gems that Channel 10 has coming up like The Bingle Show and the Jersey Shore rip off!

Sons of Bikie Wars Anarchy

A new series of Masterchef, and a new advertising platform for channel 10 to canvass their new crop of tv shows. 

First up in the ads was ‘Bikie Wars – Brothers in Arms’

Proving that originality and Australian tv go together like HDTV and Aussie Sports, this show is an unashamed attempt at an Australianised version Sons of Anarchy. And Australianised means lower budget, recycled actors, and plenty of out of place swearing to add shock value. No word yet when the bare flesh of the girls will come out to boost the ratings, but you can bet your motorcycle on it.

Maybe no one will notice...

Bikie Wars has been advertised with the good old “Based on a True Story” tagline, which is up there in meaning and substance as when “World Premiere” is used to describe Aussie telemovies. That single word “BASED” is used as a free pass by writers to create what ever story they want, while at the same time trying to add a bit of edge to the plots by claiming they really happened.

And there are no better purveyors of the “Based on a True Story” than those essential documentary makers, the writers of Underbelly, who now bring us Bikie Wars. To them, “based on a true story” gives them creative license to conjure up the most unrealistic stories, or just copy stories from popular US shows, whack a few real names from history onto their characters, and call it true. Just as Underbelly Razor was based on the true story of Boardwalk Empire, so too will Bikie Wars be based on the true story of Sons of Anarchy.

Nickelback?

The realism we can expect in this show is aptly described in an interview with the main actor, where he details the depth of research he put into the role - watching Sons of Anarchy. This research is clearly evident when he says he envies the camaraderie in the gangs "You take your brother's side first and I think that would be a beautiful thing to experience." This would be deep if the show he is describing wasn’t centred around a split within a motor cycle gang that resulted in a shootout where 7 people were killed. Taking your brother's side first, and shooting them second? Truly a beautiful thing!! He goes on to say that “honouring the story and the relationships at the heart of the drama was a key to getting the story right”.  Whaaaaaat? Does he think he is on Packed to the Rafters? Does he also claim that all the violence was followed up by gentlemanly handshakes and a friendly beer? If that’s the subject knowledge the main actor has, I can’t wait to see his realistic portrayal of his character!

With no less than 5 credited cast members who are Underbelly alumni, including the well researched main character, the transition of those truth seeking Underbelly fans from channel 9 to channel 10 should be seamless. I suspect the only thing stopping Bikie Wars being called Underbelly Series 5 is the ownership of naming rights. None the less, Bikie Wars will have a ready made audience before the first hired Harley is ridden onto screen by a stunt double.

I wonder if channel 10 are going to conjure up some artificial news about bikies on their 5pm news or on The Project, in a sneaky-but-fool-no-one attempt to drum up some publicity for this show, Lara Bingle nude pictures style?