Please Marry My Boy So This Show Can Be Axed

Looks like Channel 7 is dishing up a real winner tonight.

Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse than that 'Dinner Date' show with the French chef,  Channel 7 brings us "Please Marry My Boy".  This will reach depths of awful not seen since "Shopping for Love" graced our screens.  What makes this potentially even worse, is that Please Marry My Boy is on prime time! Does channel 7 actually think this will rate? Who thought of this?

And these will be the ugliest
ratings channel 7 has ever seen

It will be hosted by Ada Nicodemou in a move of career suicide.  She has clearly been photographed in an awkward position by channel 7 execs to agree to do this show.  But lets hope that she keeps them to their word not to release the photos, because this show won't even make one episode.  If anyone has any sense, they'll pull it half way and ask channel 9 for a repeat of Two and Half Men.  Failing that, a blank screen with the soundtrack of the shrieking of the women's tennis final would be an improvement.

Who will call time on this terrible show?

So many questions rage with this show.  Who approved it in the channel 7 boardroom?  Which loser guys will go on it? Will any of the women be looking for love, and not to promote their 'careers' as promotions models?

Can anything save Australian tv after this assault to common sense? Or could we go even lower?

2012 TV - Whats New?

With a new year comes new attempts at Australian content by the uninspired networks.  Here are a few that have caught my eye...

Tricky Business
Channel Nine describes this family drama as "Warm, funny and moving". So we can safely assume this will follow the same old Aussie obsession of lightweight drama about 'Ordinary People, Everyday Problems'.  I'm already bored.

To add to the awful, the other tradition of recycling washed up hacks is alive and well here. Shane Bourne plays Dad, and as expected, will be dishing out the cliched jokes that weren't funny on Hey Hey its Saturday 20 years ago. Mum is played by the definition of washed up royalty, Debra Byrne. They will be inadequately supported by the obligatory crop of Home and Away and Neighbours rejects.

Tricky Business has thinly disguised itself as a show about a family business, to differentiate itself from the bleeding obvious fact that its a carbon copy of Packed to the Rafters. But all I'm seeing from the previews of Packed to the Rafters, ahem, Tricky Business, is that its about grown up children working out their predicable relationship problems with their eccentric parents. The only tricky business here is how channel 9 have been able to to avoid a lawsuit from channel 7 for stealing their ideas.

Outcome - After a few weeks will go to the "Special Time" of 9.30 to make way for a 2 and a Half Men double episode, never to return. Next step will be the 10.30 death row slot, and after a few weeks it will silently slip away from our screen forever.


Young Talent Time
I guess it had to happen sooner or later. Obviously channel 10 are trying to cash in on the popularity of dancing and performing, a la So You Think You Can Dance and Dancing With the Stars. They are also following the uncreative trend of borrowing from the past. After the abysmal failure of Hey Hey its Saturday, has no one in tv land learnt their lesson?  Lookout for Tina Arena to lose her sh*t, push the kids off stage, belt out a Sorrento Moon, exclaim "I used to be amazing", and then run off sobbing. Here are four reasons why this will fail:

1. Three years too late. If SYTYCD has been axed for a while, what hope do dancing children have. We're over dancing.
2. The audience are a lot more mature than in the YTT heydays of the 1980s. The popularity of SYTYCD and DWTS has upped the ante.  People appreciate and expect great, semi professional dancing. Kids shuffling about on stage with fake smiles, real tears and snot noses just wont cut it.
3. This show will have undertones of child beauty pageants, crazy mums and dodgy old men who shouldn't be near kids. It WILL get disturbing and awkward.
4. Millsy.

The shirt, the hair, the shady smirk. Already disturbing.

Outcome - Blink and you'll miss it, doomed from the start. Don't expect to see the next Danni any time soon.


Celebrity Apprentice
This was a bit of an unexpected hit in 2011. 2012 will be even bigger because of one man. Hasselhoff. No doubt he'll start some kind of controversy, and it will be definitely worth watching.  I still think its funny that the Aussie version of this show has the Wizard Home Loans guy as the boss - not quite the Donald!

But aside from the Hoff, this show will have the D grade celebs who have contracts with channel nine, but not enough talent to be put on a real show. My other predictions are:

• The anticipated return of Wilbur Wild
• Some random young 'model' with a misspelled name like Byankah who is the next Jen Hawkins because she is Miss Moonee Ponds.
• A reality tv 'celeb' who nine has poached but has nowhere else to put them
• Some old Footy Show panelist Larrikan like Nathan Brown
• As its an Olympic year, and Nine have the Olympics, the cross promotional possibilities will no doubt see a washed up Olympian.  Welcome to the Apprentice, Tamsyn Lewis.
• One of those lame Good News Week comedians who lost their contract with channel 10.

UPDATE: Being behind the times, the celebs are already named. I proud to say that a few predictions weren't far off!

7 out of 12? You're hired!

David Hasselhoff - Already knew
Jason Akermanis - Yep, Footy Show panelist
Ian “Dicko” Dickson - Nope
Nathan Jolliffe - Who?
Ben Dark - Who?
Vince Sorrenti - Yep, Good News Week reject
Patti Newton - Yep, no talent with channel 9 contract
Charlotte Dawson - Yep, no talent with channel 9 contract
Marion Grasby - Yep, reality tv celeb poached from other channel
Lauryn Eagle - Yep, I assume shes the 'model' misspelled name and all
Fiona O’Loughlin - Yep, Good News Week reject
Tania Zaetta - Nope, gutted I missed this one!!

Outcome - Don't hassle the Hoff. 2011 did well, 2012 will do better.


The Block
Boring boring boring. I can't stand this show. Full of cashed up bogans and cliches. Who can stand watching these whiny, self-obsessed couples with their bogan nicknames? Polly & Wally, Bazza & Shazza, Chooka & Dogga. Its just terrible.

And then there is the obligatory back story of misfortune to make viewers feel connected.  Surely there won't be a dry eye in Australia when 2012 contestants Flozza & Jay-Mee tell that the tragic death of old age of their Great Aunt's second cousin in 1999 was the inspiration for going on a reality to show renovate a house they will never live in. "Its what Agnus would have wanted us to do. We just miss her so much".

Urrrgh. It wasn't worth it.

I live right near the houses of the 2011 Block in Richmond, and they're rubbish.  The have no off-street parking and face a dodgy shopping centre which will soon turn in 100's of apartments and hopefully some good coffee shops and restaurants. As I drive past on my way to my secure car park, I can't help but laugh at the fact that all the houses have a garish Channel 9 symbol plastered in the front of the houses.  All I can say is thank God the block isn't in Richmond this year.

Outcome - There are no winners with this show


Excess Baggage

A blatant but unapologetic rip-off of The Biggest Loser. Celebrity reality is always a winner in Aus, but I'm not sure about this one. Using D grade celebs here could work well, as they may be humbled in to potential likability by their quest for self improvement. Dipper will do well, as he's a genuine good guy, and Ajay should do ok too. Not sure where Kevin Federline fits in though! That photographer guy will win no fans. And Kate Cebrano as host? Umm, wouldn't she be better off as a contestant?

Outcome - 50-50 may work but probably won't. Go Dipper!

Update 8 Feb: Gooooone. Off to the doldrums of channel Go!

Speaking of the fatties, an interesting footnote is that the Biggest Loser this year will have fat singles, and a few of them will hook up! Not sure if this is healthy or not!

Ready for this?

Slow Walking to Nowhere

What’s the theory behind slow walkers?

There is nothing worse that coming across a gang of oblivious slow walkers, strolling side by side, clogging the footpath while they amble to wherever they’re not going to be anytime soon. Obviously they have nowhere to be, but don’t they get bored spending so much time walking nowhere on footpaths?  Do they know they are going so slow? Or do they just think that everyone else is walking too fast?

Its a worldwide problem. Here's an inspired solution from New York City...

Slow walkers are habitually unaware of their surrounds, and generally walk aimlessly in the middle the footpath, four or five abreast, in snail paced gangs.  Together they form an impenetrable human wall of footpath congestion.  Its not in a slow walker's nature to be alert and their reaction time is non existent, so evasive action to get past is left up to everyone else on the footpath.  You may notice them reacting to your presence with a shock, 20 seconds after you passed them, when you are already 10 meters clear.

Its important to know where slow walkers congregate in abundance.  In Melbourne, I wouldn't work anywhere west of Swanston St, as down that end there are so many tourists and students that you may not return fro days from a trip to the ATM. The eastern side of the city has the advantage of hills, which slow walkers avoid due to the increased degree of difficulty.

But they can’t be avoided all the time. I live on a major shopping strip, which on weekends, attracts slow walkers like slow flying bees to honey.  And here they are armed with shopping bags to increase their footpath coverage.  The footpath isn't particularly wide, so they need to be avoided to save yourself from being caught in an endless walk to frustration.  Thankfully, there are a few ways  to combat slow walkers from stealing your day away, minute by minute.

One option is to take the section of the footpath between the kerb and street signs and bus stops.  Slow walkers can’t strike here for a number of reasons.  Primarily, to know that it exists would take a level of awareness that slow walkers aren't capable of.  Looking around is just not something a slow walker wants to do.  Its also unattractive as its far too narrow for a gang of slow walkers to walk side by side.  And finally, this section of the footpath is full of obstacles, not to mention the kerb. It requires some basic concentration to navigate, and slow walkers are unwilling to concentrate at any point.  If a slow walker did find themselves here it wouldn't be long before they will have fallen over a rubbish bin, and end up rolling about on their back unable to get up like an upside down turtle.

I have nowhere to be anyway

Crossing roads is a good way to catch and overtake a slow walker.  Jay-walking is completely against the slow walker’s raison d’être, so is a great way to beat them.  You may be risking your life on the road, but its worth it, you’re lost in limbo behind a slow walker anyway.  If the traffic is too busy, thanks to the slow walker’s lack of awareness and general unfitness, there is a usually a 5 second delay between the pedestrian light flashing green, and the slow walker realising its time to move.  The key is to get to the front position at the kerb, even if it means an evasive lateral detour a few meters down the street you’re crossing. Never wait behind a stationary slow walker, they are even more effective when not moving.

But be careful, some pedestrian lights are trickier than others...

watch where you step

Slow walkers still stealing your time? Try this. Problem solved. The narrator is a bit of a worry, but he's on a winner...

No Winners Here, Just Losers

Following the long tradition of bland, lightweight Aussie drama, comes "Winners and Losers".

This show is about four sassy 20-something gal pal bff's and their mundane suburban lives. It follows the same tired and unimaginative Aussie drama script of ordinary people and their everyday problems.  In Aussie drama land, there really is no getting away from the standard plots - someone has relationship problems, someone's mum gets sick, someone's trouble making brother shows up, someone's friend drinks too much, blah blah, YAWN!  They certainly have the loser part of the title covered!

But what of the Winners??  The whole premise of this show was that the characters were supposed to win a lotto that would change their lives.  But alas, this was too much of a stretch for the scriptwriters, and they went back to their vanilla flavoured comfort zone of ordinary people, everyday problems.  So instead of making a show about friends who win a stack of cash and crash their Lamborghini into a police station while high on coke, they make a show about friends who win a stack of cash and.... put it in the bank.  Surely the writers could have been brave and attempted something new?  It could have been a good concept, but in the end there are no winners here, least of all the suckers that watched this show hoping for something fresh.

"So who got the job on Packed to the Rafters?"

And so Winners and Losers starts with a high school reunion.  Every high school reunion has those bitter losers who show up trying to outdo and impress everyone else that they've held a grudge against for 10 years.

"How am I doing? Well I drove here in a BMW, how do you think I'm doing?"

"I'll laugh it off, but my wife and mum
are gonna be so angry when I get home"

In W&L, our four bff's ARE those bitter grudge-holding losers who no one remembers from high school or beyond. If you haven't moved on from high school in 10 years, not having a hunky boyfriend is the least of your problems!

There is one curious thing about this show.  Every time a phone rings (and its several times each episode), the ringing phone is filmed for a minute and the volume is bumped up so that we know its an iPhone ringing.  Its Bizarre!  I’m not sure whether they’re going for the "wow, they have iPhones, sooo cool" angle, or the "omg, they have an iPhone on the show, I have an iPhone… this show is sooo me" angle.  Either way its lame.  And don't get me started on the Facebook references.

Another thing is the successful business exec character. I love seeing her at work, in a supposedly high-end flashy office in the Melbourne CBD.  However, she works in a small company which has just a few staff.  Just a hint to the writers, companies with five employees don't rent 30th floor city offices.  Either the business exec bff works in a large corporate or she doesn't, trying to have it both just looks stupid.  Also, people's friends and family don't just show up at people's desks! There is not a building in Melbourne that doesn't require security passes!  Clearly the writers have never set foot in an office environment, and have not bothered to do even basic research.

But worst of all is the is the over the top gay assistant.  Full of forced camp one liners and cliched gay stereotypes, it seems this character's only purpose on the show is so that they can say that they have a gay character.  The actor is way out of his depth, and he’s not able to convince himself of his character, let alone the audience. On numerous occasions, he almost breaks character to remind us that, “Yes Australia, Winners and Losers has a GAY character, we are that progressive”.

The worst thing about this twat of a character is that he is a blatant rip off of one of my all time favorite tv characters, Marc from Ugly Betty.  The difference is that Marc's character is likeable, consistent and funny.  Team Marc up with Amanda and you have pure gold! (Like This - Mark & Amanda give Betty some advice on love).

"Marc, that bad Australian actor has stolen your identity" 

Marc is everything that the W&L actor wishes he was, and its evident that he has been closely studying Marc's character, but with no success.  Of course, it could just be that Marc is played by a fantastic actor, whereas the W&Ls actor is a try-hard hack.

So even though this show is supposed to be about everyday life, it ends up as a convoy of cliches about what the writers think everyday life is. The lightweight stories and interactions are so contrived and cliched, that its almost like children have written them in a school project about what it would be like to be when they are grown up.

Surely things cant get any worse...

...Oh wait, yes they can! Rob Mills was a guest star on Winners and Losers!

I'm Millsy!

Aussie Heros, Gutless Everyone Else

Wow. Some truly terrible journalism in the Herald Sun yesterday.

Be prepared for some Aussie chest beating, racism, and some outlandish assumptions of Titanic proportions!

Check out the article here

To set the scene, here is a headline to remember:

“Aussie couple helped panicked passengers as 'gutless' others fled”

That’s right, here’s an accurate and balanced article about how great Aussies are and how terrible the rest of the world are, mostly because they are not Australian. Cue the OUTRAGE!

This story takes place on the stricken Costa Concordia cruise ship which ran aground off the Italian coast. To summarize the news of the Costa Concordia, as told by this article, it goes something like this:

An Australian couple was having problems with their marriage, so booked a holiday cruise. As a result, a ship in some country that’s not Australia, with 23 Australians on board ran aground and capsized. There were other people on the ship, but they weren’t Australian. The heroic couple pulled off a remarkable survival when they organised the whole rescue operation, because the all other gutless non Australian bastards on the ship threw their wives off the ship. If it were not for the heroic couple, everybody would have died. Some people did die, but don’t worry, they weren’t Australian. 

It was EXACTLY like the Titanic, the only other ship to capsize. Unfortunately a jar of Vegemite was lost, which just goes to show how bad the situation was.  After saving everyone on the ship, our heroes then abused the hospitality of a local bar owner and got plastered on free booze. 

The capsizing was actually a positive thing, as it saved the couple’s marriage, and they will now stay together until they can sell their story to 60 Minutes and New Idea.  So many questions remain surrounding the capsizing, such as what movies the couple watched on the plane to Europe, and who cheated on who to cause the marriage problems.

We in Australia should be appreciative that some news from overseas was actually covered here, as international news is generally limited to bears swimming in backyard pools in California. But of course, the news of the Costa Concordia was Australianised, because, according to the media, us simple Aussies just don’t have the attention span for news that doesn’t involve us or outrage us!

So here is the story…

Two Australians told of their remarkable survival after booking their cruise "to save their marriage".
So the important thing to remember is that the story is about an Aussie couple – Just like you. That’s right; it could have been YOU! Outrage! Tell us more about this amazing couple. Don’t worry about the boring facts of what actually happened.

Can’t wait to find out more about their REMARKABLE survival and what made it so different from the 4000 unremarkable survivors.

Having come close to splitting up last year, they decided it would be a make-or-break holiday.
Oh no, don’t split up! That won’t be a happy ending!

"We looked at each other and I said 'we've just run aground'."
Then what did you say? This guy was smart and figured out what happened, no doubt before anyone else did.

"People were panicking and a lot of elderly people were screaming and having panic attacks."
People were panicking AND having panic attacks? Sounds serious! Did they hear that you almost split up?

"The worst thing was there were young Italian men, the gutless bastards, jumping into the boats without their wives or girlfriends"
What outrage! Bloody non-Australians! If only people acted more like Australians.

But hang on, is this representative of the 4000 other people on the ship? Did every man on the ship have a wife or girlfriend that they left behind? Were there no single men on the ship? How do you know they were Italians? Did you speak with each of these gutless bastards?

"We saw them pushing women out of the way."
More outrage! How observant, lucky you had time to casually watch everyone else evacuating while you were busy getting in the way.

Crew members ordered passengers out of the lifeboats and back to their cabins, and the Australian couple decided to stay put.
That’s right, why would you listen to trained professionals in an evacuation? You know best. I’m sure you made the evacuation safer by defying instructions.

"Trace asked me how safe will it be and I told her 'don't worry it's not like the Titanic', but it was exactly like the Titanic"
WHAT? Didn’t 1500 people die when the Titanic hit an iceberg at full speed in freezing water in the middle of the Atlantic in 1912? How was this exactly like the Titanic? Oh right, the Titanic was a ship, and you were also on a ship. Exactly the same…

But more to the point, how would you know what it was like on the Titanic? Oh, of course, you saw the movie. You’re all over it.

"I said, 'Trace if we have to swim, we will swim'."
And if we have to get on a life boat, we’ll get on a life boat. And if we have to state the obvious, we’ll state the obvious.

"I was calm. The way I see it, panic will get you nowhere."
That’s because you’re a HERO!

He was crushed into the side of the boat and ripped his lower leg as he used his body to block the crowd to allow women and the elderly on to the lifeboats.
So in an evacuation, pushing people out of the way is GUTLESS, but blocking people’s paths to safety while they try to escape is HEROIC? What?

The couple were among the final crew and passengers on the last lifeboat to leave the ship.
So this remarkable tale of survival involved them abandoning ship via a lifeboat? Like 4000 other passengers? REMARKABLE.

"There were six crew and stewards left after us and there were no lifeboats for them, so they jumped into the water and one of them died."
So, because you didn’t evacuate when instructed, you took the place of the crew who were the ones facilitating the evacuation that you were getting in the way of, and as a result, one of them lost their lives?

"It was unbelievable. People opened their hearts"
Did they know you were responsible for the death of a crew member?

"A bar owner opened his bar for everyone, kept it going all night. We all cleaned him out, drinking espressos with Sambuca shots."
Of course you did. Get plastered, you’re a hero after all. It’s not at all inappropriate to celebrate in the face of tragedy where several people lost their lives.

After 19 hours of no food or sleep, the couple said they held no grudges against the cruise company but felt let down by a lack of communication.
And the cruise company breathes a sign of relief. Crisis averted.

Their luggage, laptops, phones, passports, jewellery and a jar of Vegemite remain in their submerged cabin.
Of course, whats a story about Australians oversees if they don't mention Vegemite. Truly a tragedy when the Vegemite is lost.

Mr Elcombe added: "Who needs couples' counselling, when you survive a Titanic experience?
Huh? By Titanic experience, do you mean sitting through the film? It was pretty long. What other Titanic experience have you had?

"This has made our bond much, much stronger."
Oh guys, that is such great news. I’m so happy, and I’m sure all the other passengers are too. This is the real story.

Must Miss TV

And the Gold Logie Goes To (who's next?)...

Looking back at tv in 2011, its clear that it was the worst year of all time for television in this country. So many reasons for this, one of which was the Aussie entertainment tv that appeared. Who watches the likes of Hamish & Hamish? Who are these shows aimed at? Does anyone think they’re funny or informative?

If there is one thing we need on tv, its news that isn't hysterical, sensationalised and grossly inaccurate. I did have faint hope for the 7pm Project, but rather than report any news, the show just followed the Rove school of interviews, and gave the hopeful viewer nothing. All Rove interviews (and those of his proteges) follow the same script where the interviewer asks a question, listens to the answer, and then ignores any new conversational direction which may open up, and instead goes back to the pre-written list of inane questions.

"Sooo, umm, do you like being a celebrity?"

To make it worse, the 7pm Project is full of self promoting channel 10 stable celebrities. Bickmore just speaks incessantly about her child (no one cares Bickmore), Hughesy’s go-to is his unemployed bum back-story, but it’s just not believable anymore, and the other guy is so pious and condescending that I don’t know his name.

Another of Rove’s protege's, Hamish & Hamish provided one of the lowlights of Aussie tv in 2011. Their ‘Gap Year’ talk show program dug new depths of bad, and goes to show that it doesn’t matter if you’re in New York or Newcastle, no talent is no talent. As expected, these two ‘loveable larrikins’ (geez we Aussies love our loveable larrikins) used every outdated Aussie stereotype to try get a laugh (surely they wheeled out the old “can’t believe those silly yanks don’t like Vegemite” hilarity at some stage), while throwing backhanders at the unwitting Americans they encountered. Like we don’t have rednecks in Australia! As per Rove’s teachings, all interviews were uniformed, childish, and lightweight. And as is standard, Hamish & Hamish’s senseless jokes only got a laugh out of themselves, and belong more at the school assembly than on tv.

In the end, this 'Gap Year' turned into a 'Gap Few Months', and Hamish & Hamish returned home early. Apparently the poor lads were homesick. Wonder how homesick they would have been if their show had actually rated...

"Hamish, no one is laughing any more"
"Shuutuuup or channel 9 will can us"

One of the worst things to return to tv was a repeat of the Paul Hogan Show. Hot off the heels of Crocodile Dundee’s stellar performance in Australia’s brilliant World Cup video, some bright spark decided to wheel out the old Paul Hogan show from the 1970s. Surely the world hasn’t changed much since 70’s? Racism, sexism, and being a stupid backward Australian are still funny right? We haven’t grown since then? More recently we had seen Hoges under investigation for tax evasion, but surely we still love him, after all, he’s the original Loveable Larrikin! I pray the tapes of this awful show were taken by the Taxman, never to pollute the airwaves again.

"Pay tax? But I'm Hoges!"

But that’s not the first time there’s been misguided nostalgia for the good old days of Aussie tv. A few years back, to no one’s delight, Hey Hey its Saturday made its unwanted (but inevitable) return. This was music to the ears of Wilbur Wilde and Russell Gilbert who can normally be seen performing at train stations for loose change. The legacy of this show was the deliciously awkward moment when Harry Connick Jr was offended by an outdated and racist act on the show. Unsurprisingly, this return to the glory days was rubbish, and Hey Hey silently slipped away into the abyss of Australian television failure. Please, someone, plug the abyss so no more relics can find their way out, I can see Rhonda Burchmore coming!

There are so many more misses when it comes to Aussie television, but that is for a another day...

... Actually we’re talking Aussie tv misses, better make that days...